I have a 3½-year-old daughter and I am planning to enroll her in a preschool program in the Fall. This will be the first time she will be away from her younger brother and myself. Is there anything I can do that can better prepare her for this?

The first time a child goes to a preschool or kindergarten program marks a major milestone for both the child and the parents. There's a bit of separation angst that occurs for everyone. Depending on your child's temperament, if she is more sensitive to situations, you may want to bring her to the school beforehand to slowly introduce her to her new surroundings. This will not only help her identify what "school" looks like, but will give her a context beyond just hearing you say the word school. Also, help her understand what her new routine would be like at school. For example, you can say " On the day you go to school, I will take you there where you will have a very nice teacher to take care of you while you play with other kids and do fun things. After playing and having fun, I will come back to take you home." Some children need more reassurance and some do not regarding new situations. A child that needs more reassurance is not better or worse less than the child that does not. Accept your child where she is free of any judgment. This takes the pressure off of you and her.

Our 4-year-old son gets very upset when he is told to stop playing when we want him to either eat a meal or to get ready to go to bed. He will yell and refuse to stop playing. We then get into a battle of wills, which gets everyone exhausted. Any ideas?

Transitions are often difficult especially if the child is enjoying what he is doing. To best help him with these transitions, give him two warnings to allow him time to get used to having to stop his play. When you give him the second and last warning, start counting down from twenty. Stop every once and a while to warn him that you are getting closer to number one which is when he has to quit playing. If he starts to yell when you have finished your warnings, verbalize for him how hard it is to stop playing when one is having fun. Encourage him to use words to express his feelings by using the "I Message". For example, the I Message would be "I feel angry when I have to stop playing!" You can then acknowledge his feelings by saying " I can understand how you could feel angry about not being able to play anymore. It's OK. Tomorrow (or later) you'll have time to play again". Two things happened here. First, he is using the social skill of being able to express his emotions in an appropriate manner. Second, by simply acknowledging his feelings, you are showing that you are respecting him-feelings and all.

In your book, The Best Investment, you write that empathy is a social skill that can help one understand others feelings and point of view. Is empathy something you are born with or is it something that can be learned?

Empathy is the ability to identify and understand another's feelings, situation, or motives. The answer to the question is yes to both. Have you ever noticed when you are around happy people, you begin to feel the same way? The reason for this is that our brains are wired to imitate, or mirror, another's emotional state. Due to this, we are born with a biological tendency toward empathy. Empathy is also a social skill that can be learned and children can learn this by you modeling empathetic behavior towards others and to them. A child's empathy skills grow stronger as a result of your good example. When you help your child experience the feelings of others, you enable them to understand compassion and caring, the by products of empathy. Empathy is the quintessential "people skill"!

My daughter is 5- years- old and will only wear clothes that she wants to put on. She has a closet full of beautiful clothes, and will choose outfits that mismatch or she'll want to wear the same clothes over and over again. She's very strong willed and independent. No matter what I suggest, she refuses. I'm afraid the kids at her preschool will make fun of her. In your book, you speak about a child's temperament. Any suggestions of what I can do regarding her temperament and this issue of clothes?

What you are experiencing is not that unusual. This has nothing to do with your daughter having no fashion sense. It's actually her way of asserting herself and wanting to feel some "control" in her life. Part of what makes us all unique is our innate blueprint of traits called temperament. Your daughter may have a temperament that likes independence and is not afraid to show it. Children are born with their own ways of interacting with people and the world around them. Their temperament is their own unique personality that they couldn't change even if they wanted to. My suggestion is to accept your daughter's sense of independence and to give her guidelines within her realm of choice. Let her choose between two or three outfits that are weather appropriate (like not wearing sandals in the winter in the snow). You are still honoring her sense of independence within a framework that works for you. Another suggestion is to have her pick out the outfit for school the night before so you don't get into "battle of wills" in the morning.

I have two children who have totally different personalities. My oldest son is very outgoing and interacts well with his classmates and friends. The youngest boy is shy and does not make friends easily. How can I help my youngest son with his social ability?

First, I would like to commend you for wanting to help your son gain some social skills. The good news is that social skills can be learned easily. Your son may be one who does not like to take risks socially because he doesn't know what to do in a social setting. Shy children often don't know how to start conversations with other children. One suggestion is to practice communication and conversational skills by playing "Game Host" with you first being the host and "interviewing" him on his interests, hobbies, likes and dislikes. By modeling questions and your responses to his answers, he can be taught ways to establish rapport with others through learning thoughtful questions and comments. Take turns playing this game as he becomes more masterful with this social skill.

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